R.I.P Mumster - For the one who loved all selflessly !

It's been a week or so since it happened..
Mummy passed away on 25th November 2009..
It actually happened. Something that everyone was contemplating and fearing for 3-4yrs has happened.
How it happened ?
Her other leg was already getting infected with gangerine and we decided not to go ahead with the amputation cos going through with it wouldn't prolong her life nor make it any easy and we wouldn't wanna see her go without both legs.
So that was when the doctors gave us the OTHER side of the situation. Mum had very little time cos once her infection went into her blood stream, it would reach her heart and inevitably stop her heart meaning she would go into septic shock. Yes it was torturous cos every night and day since that moment, Me , my sister and my father never slept a wink. We were always in high alert and staying awake fearing that if we closed our eyes, we might not be alert to pick up any calls received from the nursing home.. We as a family in whole were going through this for close to 6yrs.. To know that it was all coming to an end was just explainable in words..

The pain, the worry and the fear was something noone should go through. Then came 20th December. Our first alarm. The nursing home called daddy around 12pm and said mummy wasn't responding and her eyes was only open and her BP was dropping.. All of us rushed to the hospital basically heart in hand and trying to keep each other calm. When we went there with my Raj Uncle, She soon became alert and alright. And we were a bit relieved. But deep inside we knew that THAT was not the end but only the beginning of the end. Then came 22nd December which was the second false alarm. But something inside me, Told me that mumster had close to one week only.
24th November Midnight, The nursing home called my dad and said her BP was dropping immensely and she was very weak. Because of the fact that it was after midnight and that the nursing home had strict visiting rules we had to wait til 6am. But those were 6hrs of my life, I was so afraid. For the first in a long time I bowed my head to pray that nothing should happen.
6am came and so we rushed off. Walking into the room and seeing her in that state was something NO daughter should ever see.. The woman that taught me all that I knew was just lying there clinging on for life trying to gasp for any bit of oxygen possible.
So that was when we decided to start making phone calls. And not less than 2hrs and the nursing home was filled with my immediate relatives. Tears and all.
We decided to bring her home cos in our hearts all of us knew she had very little hours and that if she was to go, we wanted her to go in her house with all her loved ones surrounding her.
And that was what she received.

Mumster must have been the luckiest person on earth that day cos EVERY SINGLE person she loved and adored and many more were there by her side. By 10pm, everyone left and it was only 15ppl or so left in my house.

Around 12.30am, Me and my sister finally were convinced to go and eat, I had taken my dinner earlier but i was in a rush to eat so my aunt finally had the two of us sit down and we were randomly talking. It was at that moment that my aunt said a random joke and me and my sister laughed out loud after a very long time. And that was when it happened at 12.45pm , 25th November 2009. I heard a loud cry and all three of us rushed into the room. That was when I saw my mother not moving, not breathing and soulless.. I just stood frozen and suddenly my sister started hyperventilating and my brother Gabilesh who was in the room when mum passed on quickly pulled my sister out and started consoling her.. All I could ever think about was to go and start making calls.. I started making calls and my aunt came out to ask me a question and I didn't know the reply to it.. From the moment, I was told that mummy was gonna pass on I made plans on what to do and how to react and when the moment came, My brain wasn't working and I was in complete shock. That was when I started crying.. My sister and her best friend Azizah held onto me as I cried. But I knew that 6yrs of holding back my emotions weren't gonna end just like that.

I always said that it was ever so oxymoron that the word 'Funeral' had the FUN in it cos Indian Funerals were oh-so-not fun AT ALL !! And that was how mumster's funeral was.
It was CROWDED, Tensions were flaring and people were taking advantage of our vulnerability esp my dad's !
My mother was someone who was kind to all and that showed on her funeral. There were close to 200 people who came to her funeral.. I was claustrophobic and I liked it.
Friends and Family all under one roof after so many years and all mellowed down just so that we can pay our respects to mumster was what she would have ever wanted.
Her cortege left 8.46pm cos it was delayed for some reason or the other.
The minute her cortege left. I couldn't help but cry my heart out.. My mum was truly physically gone from my house and I was truly motherless..
I went home and these days that followed have been truly painful. To wake up every morning seeing her face in a photo frame and every time someone says or does to hurt me, I'm unable to fight back for myself cos of these stupid 16days Hindu rituals crap is truly driving my nuts. Whoever came up with these needs to be cursed not to be born for the next umpteen births !!

I've been crying and for the first time, I'm very empty and vulnerable. For the first time in 9 days I'm finally home alone. It's just me and mumster. Deep down I know that she's looking at me everytime I cried when someone hurt us and worrying about me but like the last words I told her, I'll be fine... Even when I'm not, I know I eventually will be fine !
I can only be grateful and say this,
My mother never died as a rich woman with loads of cash and gold BUT she died a wealthy person with hundreds of people who adored her and though she's left her, She's left relatives and friends who would be with us through thick and thin..

I gaze at her picture even now and feel like I haven't lost her. She's still there. Somewhere. An angel in her true form looking at me and shaking her head at what a crazy little naughty gal I am. Everytime I cook, I know she's in me. I everytime I behave like a mother at the age of 18 I know she's in me and more importantly Everytime I'm sucha E+Y a.k.a easy to take advantage fool I know it was cos of her that I'm like this and I'm proud of it.. Every note I sing I know she's in it and I've never been more proud til this moment of myself.

For all those who have been there since the beginning :
THANK YOU !! There truly is NO words to describe the gratitude I have to all of you'll.. I love you'll and I never wanna lose you'll death do us apart and beyond. For all those watched me cry, Thank You for not showing the shock reactions in your face though I know all of you were shocked to see ME cry.. I love You guys !

For all those all have been hurting me and my family since the moment it happened :
RUN!! Cos Hell Knows No Fury Greater Than A Daughter's Wrath. When these religious stuff finishes, I'm gonna screw and ruin alot of people.. I maybe Sagunthalathevy's Daughter. The woman who never harmed anyone even when they hurt her and just cried herself to sleep and slipped into depression BUT I'm not gonna be her when it comes to matters like this cos when injustice is done. The wrong needs to be righted. If useless cow brained adults are not gonna do it. I WILL !!!!! So watch your back !!!!

There was one song that ran through me and my sister's minds when mumster was in her death bed and passed on.
Carrie Underwood's TEMPORARY HOME.
Esp these lines *Lines have been edited to what we were feeling* :

Young Mum, hospital bed
The room is filled with people she loves
And she whispers, “don’t cry for me,
I’ll see you all someday”

She looks up and says,
“I can see God’s face”

This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home

I LOVE YOU MUMSTER !!

There's nothing I say that can stand comparison to the amount of love I have for you and the amount I miss you!! I miss your hugs that make me smile even when the world puts me down and I miss your untimely humor that makes me laugh ! Most of all I just miss everything about you !!

R.I.P Mumster !!

I'm planning a Memorial Service for mumster on the 20th Dec.. Nothing to do with religion but everything to do with her and everything straight from our hearts. I've decided to let this be planned wholly by the youngsters of the family. I've jumped into this as a blind hope with my love for her in my heart. I'm unsure of who's gonna stand by me and help me make this happen or who's gonna take every chance possible to ruin it BUT I'm doing it regardless of who stands by me. Cos this one's for you mumster !!

The Moment She Took On His Name...

In the words of Shruti Haasan & Blaaze's new song from Unnaipol Oruvan -

What would you do?
If what had to be done
Could only be done by you ?
Easier said than done, Solve the problems one by one...

Well a recent little conversation I had with a friend and a movie (Heaven On Earth) I watched a week ago prompted me to write this post today.



DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ;
Violence toward or physical abuse of one's spouse or domestic partner.

Well well , what do we have here ?
An increasing number of women getting abused year after year..

What caught my attention and made it worrisome was that Domestic Abuse didn't only happen to women who were uneducated but It also happens to women who are well educated !!

Our Indian Society has seen many of such cases , where the husbands beats up the wife due to domestic problems and arguments and the wife is still expected to get on with her life with the same guy.. Then comes the ever so famous sick proverb Kallaanaalum Kanaver Pullaanaalum Purushan ! Indian gals have been told all our lives to stand by our husbands and be loyal and submissive to him no matter what he does . And we are always told that A MAN CAN LIVE WITHOUT A WOMAN BUT A WOMAN MUST NEVER LIVE WITHOUT A MAN ! Bullcrap I would say.. WHY ? It's our 'culture ?'.. Isn't this the same culture that prays to Maa Durga and bows their heads at her feet and respect our mothers like gold ? Aren't they both women ?

One reason could also be because Most of us saw our fathers beat up our mothers and it has been drilled into our systems that It's alright to conflict violence of any kinds to wives and they have to take it no matter what.

Then we loosely place the faults on our elders who never were a good example. TRUE !

But just because they didn't set a good example doesn't mean we can't change it right ? Isn't this the post modern world where everything changes ?

Was it written on stone ? NO
Is it against the law to change for the better ? NO

Then why are we hesitating to do the right thing ?
Those who had read Singapore's Life! newspaper edition on 4th October 2009 would have read the article on publicly displayed domestic violence. And the survey showed that close to noone would bother to approach or intervene during a situation like that cos IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM..

Is it only your problem when it happens in your own backyard ? Why is other people's misery and suffering only a mere news to the common man on the streets ?

The worrisome increasing numbers show that though the awareness is there, People are not willing to take the step to change.

What's the use of knowing so much when you're not going to take the effort to actually DO something about it ?

I for one have seen many women who have been through domestic violence either by their husbands or boyfriends and all these women don't normally have the support of family when they go through things like this so they would rather live with men like this than go against society and be ostracized as the Women Who 'Abandoned' Her Husband a.k.a A DIVORCEE. Society would never look at the reason and hurt these women went through but would rather look at the outcome. But there are women who have come out of this and now lead amazing lives, Some even remarried into beautiful families so It's not an impossible situation. It's not easy but it's not impossible nonetheless. The scars and trauma that women go through due to violence is sometimes lifelong. It takes time and a lot of support to heal and come out of that. The process is painstakingly long and hard. But nonetheless possible.

So is it alright If your sister was abused by her husband ? Would you just leave her to rot or would you stand up and get her out of that hell hole ?

According to me the only way to stop violence against women If all of us actually lend our helping hands to these women during their turbulent times because the only strength these women receive is the strength from people around them and only when men who think It's alright to abuse women see that drastic actions will be taken unhesitatingly, Will they stop and be afraid.

What do we have to lose ? NOTHING
If we don't then there goes another woman subjugated to violence because noone around her had the guts or common sense to do something about it..

Yes ! There are men who actually DO respect women but only a minority. And what happens when all the minorities are taken ? We're stuck with the Majority. Maybe this would be why some women choose to either turn lesbian or to never get married in order to lead happier lives and not be subjugated like this.

Here's a poem I found about Violence Against Women :

She promised not to tell, although she didn't know just why.
She trusted him and loved him, so she didn't even cry.
But years would pass and doubt would grow until she couldn't hide
the anger, and frustration, and the loneliness inside.

She sought out love and found abuse, the mirror of her pain.
She comforted and held them, but it didn't stop the rain.
She doubts her judgement and her sanity, she looks for strength so she won't fall
The kids are bruised and crying and it's time to make a call.

To trust a stranger on the phone who couldn't know her pain?
To ask for help and hide her fears, to navigate the rain?
A woman answers with a voice whose strength she needs to hear.
"I know you're scared," she comforted, "But know that help is near.

There is a place, a safer place, than any you have known.
Protection, strength and guidance just beyond your telephone.
Now pack some things and call the kids and take your first strong step
toward breaking through that veil of fear, and through that wall you've kept.

The pain you feel can build your strength because you have survived,
And now you and your children can begin to build new lives."

by Debra Barone(1996)

And here's a song by Christina Aguilera 'OH MOTHER' :

Come On Baby Baby , Have A Little Faith

Quoting a phrase from the song ‘Intuition’ by Jewel I start this post..

In a world of postmodern fad
What was good now is bad..

And this is how I’ve been feeling this past one week.. The frustration to see horrible intolerable things happen to good people. I had written in my previous entry that I’ve been having palpitations that something bad was going to happen. I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen in my life like always but what happened on 27^th August was something I had never imagined ever even unconsciously.

How could you bear or still remain strong if you’ve been trying to conceive for 6yrs and you finally settle for the last option of I.V.F treatment and not even two weeks into the surgery and you have a miscarriage again ?

That was what happened to a friend of mine on Thursday. She went for an I.V.F treatment two weeks ago and everyone was pretty hopeful that she finally got it right after 6yrs, Only to find out less than two weeks later that she had a miscarriage. From as long as I’ve known her (which is not long) she has been one of the most purest and amazing people I’ve met in recent times, She came into my life right after my ever famous break up of relationship and friendship and she seemed like god sent because every time I looked at her, she reminded me of an older version of myself. Someone who wouldn’t hurt anyone or speak ill of anyone and would rather hurt herself than hurt someone else. She was also another reason why I told myself it was time I changed because of this nature she was someone who could be easily taken advantage of and always thought the world was still good. Looking at her I felt like I wanted to protect her and be there with her forever. That was when I found out she was trying for a child for over 6years and finally settled for the option of I.V.F as a last result. She went through with the procedure ,FYI : Those who know about I.V.F, would know that it’s a very tedious, exhausting, time and money consuming procedure, and me and my sister have been there looking at her every step and she did everything right without fail, followed every advice given by the doctor BUT what use was all that when everything she ever dreamt of ended abruptly in a matter of two weeks. The heartbreak, pain (both physical and mental) and the non acceptance of reality is something that no one could bear to see anyone go through. She was always someone who never harmed anyone but yet something so tragic happened to her without any reason. I had never experienced seeing someone like her with my own eyes before, Heard of it on television and read about it in books BUT never seen someone before and I truly regarded this is a life changing experience because This was what I called intolerable injustice! Throughout this year, all I’ve seen is injustice happening to good people and it literally makes my blood boil to an extent I feel like turning into mother nature and bushfire-ing all the horrible people to inexistence .. *sighs* But If only I had the ability to do so I would have done it those who had hurt me so badly. All I can do is have faith that things would turn around for the bet

Being from a cosmopolitan upbringing, I’ve seen many teenagers and adults go through abortions in my circle of friends, I for one have written about my stand in abortions on this very platform once. On one hand , you see young married AND unmarried women abort a child which they regard was an ‘accident’ or a ‘mishap’ and feel remorseful about it afterwards (What’s the use ?) and on the other hand , you witness women of many ages, trying all they might and willing to do and sacrifice anything just to give birth to a child.

Being someone who has now seen both sides of the grass, I can conclude and say that please think before you act ladies! Whenever you think of giving in to your hormonal reactions, please think for one second of whether you are ready or not for the circumstances of what is to come after that. What you are about to take for advantage is something that many women worldwide would do anything for. The saying is true that ‘One person’s trash is another person’s treasure’ as I’ve now witnessed it firsthand. I had said this to my sister recently in a fit of anger of what has been going on and I still stand by what I said,

The reason why bad people are dominating this world is because good people are soft enough for them to overthrow us and take advantage of us BUT They should never forget the ever famous Tamil saying , “Saadhu Mirandhal Kaadu Kollathu” translated : “The wrath of a patient person is vicious”.

On a happy dappy side,

I've been bitten by the 1990’s and millennium bug. I’ve been downloading all the songs i grew up listening to namely Hoku, Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, N*sync, B*witched, S Club 7, Jennifer Lopez, Joey McIntyre, O Town, Destiny’s Child, LFO, Bardot, Westlife & 98 degrees . These were groups I grew up listening to and I realise those songs I heard as a child had a part in moulding me to what I am today. The freakiest song was Hoku’s ‘Another Dumb Blonde’ , It was a song I innocently loved at the age of 9 and when I listened to it again at the age of 18, The lyrics make too much sense and is kicking me in the bootie.

Quote from the song : ‘Thats alright, Thats Ok, You never loved me anyway and I think its time for you to find another dumb blonde cos it’s not me NO NO’

Another Song was Destiny’s Child’s SURVIVOR , Everyone has asked me why I had not reacted or blasted all those who hurt me recently and I think this would be the PERFECT explanation for it.

Wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that...

Ok Im off and Im leaving as usual with a song that has truly touched me and consoled me in recent time. Listen to it together with the lyrics and you'll know why I love this song.

Auf Wiedersehen

Strength In Heart...

The past few days have been pretty alright with studies and outings, other than the strange fact that somewhere in my heart and intuition I sense something major is about to happen.. I keep having palpitations that come and go .. It maybe psychological but I sincerely have NO idea what's happening.. And Ive been having these awful nightmares that leave me breathing heavily and gasping for air when I wake up.. Im hoping that nothing's gonna happen cos I sincerely feel that Im finally very happy and complacent with my life now.. *sighs* I tell myself to be strong no matter what happens but We'll just have to see won't we..?

I was watching Manathil Uruthi Vendum yesterday and the movie as usual made me all emotional.. WHY ? First of all, Suhasini Mani Ratnam is my all time fave actress and Well , the main character always reminded me of myself.. Obviously I havent gone through THAT much torturing moments like her but its her character that I relate to.. How everytime her eyes well up , she laughs , smiles or says something jokeful to brush off those tears.. Well it was also that one song in the movie that has always made tears well up in my eyes , Which song am I talking about ?

Kannin maniye.. The lyrics of this song speaks so much in just mere 4mins.. It makes me feel like I should get up and go face the world again and never let anyone put me down.... So this one's for all you women out there who feel down tonight cos I feel ya pain too darlings.. Hope this comes a therapy to your wounds..

Kannin Maniye-Manathil Urudhi Vendum:


Im also adding another song that speaks of womanhood and their many obstacles.. Enjoy Gals !

Ezhudhukirean Oru Kaditham-Kalki

Now this song speaks how a woman is ostracized just cos she doesnt have a child..
Lyrics Here

And of course How can I leave without the Title Song of this post..


Clare Boothe Luce

'Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." '

Song of the moment : Paayaliya- Dev.D - This songs keeps playing in my head for some reason or the other.. Its pretty addictive actually...

Love Ya Loads You Peeps ! Catch ya on the flip side soon !!

I Am Unwritten...

Unwritten By Natasha Bedingfield
This would be a song which spells what I am right now ! It was released few years back and it has always been my fave since then But recent events has made this song mine and made me listen to this song everyday over and over again... Every word seems to speak my mind...

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten (more)

The Making Of A Mother !

By the time the Lord made mothers, He was into the sixth day working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered and said, "Have you read the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not elastic; have 200 movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart; and have six pairs of hands."

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No way!" said the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"

"And that's on the standard model?" the Angel asked.

The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate."

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like You have a leak with this model. I told You that You were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak." the Lord objected. "That's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the Angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything for this one. You even created the tear!"

The Lord looked at the Angel and smiled and said, "I'm afraid you are wrong again. I created the woman, but she created the tear!

Me being Ive got a weakness for mothers & This story touched me in that weak spot ! Hope It touched you too...